Why Asking Better Questions Will Change Your Life
I’ve lived in a couple of countries and cities in my life. However, no matter where I’ve been, it often feels like the same place. Blame City. Côte d’Blame. Costa del Blame. People just love blaming others for their own failures. I shall not kid myself, I have been there myself (so I don’t judge), but today, I can’t stand it. Obviously, I understand where the phenomena originates from, because if you blame someone else, immediately it is no longer your own fault, or your own responsibility.
One book that opened my eyes regarding this was QBQ! The Question Behind the Question, by John G. Miller. In his short, but effective book, he argues that in order to achieve more personal accountability in society, we need to ask ourselves better questions. How many times (a day?) do we not hear people say things like “Why is this happening to me?”, “Why don’t they communicate better?” or “When are they going to do their job?”. For me, this is a victim mindset, that things in this world are happening to you, instead of for you. Most likely, you hear it all the time in your relationships, work environment, or when visiting restaurants. Instead of asking these questions that leads to nowhere, John G Miller has three rules how to create better questions, he argues they should:
- Begin with a “What” or “How”
- Contain an “I”
- Focus on action
For the questions above, let’s look at what they would turn into using the QBQ mindset.
Victim Mindset
vs
QBQ Mindset
“Why is this happening to me?”
“What can I do to prevent this from happening again?”
“Why don’t they communicate better?”
“How can I help to make our communication better?”
“When are they going to do their job?”
“What can I do to support them?”
See the shift? At first, it’s not easy, but after practicing it and turning it into a habit, it truly changes the way you look at things, and to be frank, it’s very nice not to blame other people.
Sometimes the answer is in the question
— Tony Robbins
The core idea is basically that you do whatever you can to make everything in your life better in terms of what you can control. How beautiful would the world be if everyone adopted that mindset? Hmm..
When you start putting this system into place, you immediately begin thinking differently about almost everything situation you encounter, because when you suddenly stop blaming other people for things in general, you also stop being mad or annoyed at things you can not control.
For me, this has been a huge shift in my life. I used to be annoyed at traffic, the weather, sold out items at the grocery store — these small, ridiculous things.
Recently, I was flying from Spain to Sweden, and a middle aged man ahead of me in the line for check in started gesticulating with his arms vividly. I wondered what was going on, and then he turned around saying “Three hours delayed! What a joke!”, seeking for me to agree with him. I looked at him, said “Oh okay..”, showing no negative emotion. He looked shocked and asked, “What, did you know this already!?”. He simply could not believe I was not upset about this. I simply answered “No, I had no idea. But what can one do? It’s all good”. I was proud both of my reaction and that I did it instinctively, it had become a habit. At this point I was accepting the fate of the three hour delay, but it turned out we were on different flights, and my flight was on time. Good things happen to goo… huh.
Challenge: In the next couple of days, become aware of your thinking and what questions you ask yourself and others. Are they helpful, or downright destructive? Do you get annoyed at things you can’t control? Have you made a habit of blaming others?
Connect with me on Instagram @melkersvard
Love,
Melker
